yes, ladies and gentleman, the flow of stupid ass movies never seems to end. this movie is so dumb, i believe that it should be renamed - Falling Up - and each member of the crew responsible for it's creation should be immediately thrown up a flight of stairs with pissed of moccasins on them for it's creation.

alright, what's the storyline you may ask. well, that Douglas feller works for the DOD, and gets shit-canned. being none too happy, he decides in the middle of rush hour that it is time to take a walk through the nastier parts of whatever pseudo-city this movie takes place in. so he goes around, smacks around a few gang members, holds up a McDonald's lookalike since he's pissed at their lunch-time policies, and generally does alot of stupid ass, anti-social shit.

now, don't get me wrong, i greatly enjoy people doing anti-social things. since am such self-described introverted loser, i have to live vicariously through other people. But who gives a flying hoot about "D-Fens" (so named by his license plate.) a good hero he is not. a good martyr, which the filmmaker is trying to get us to seem him as, he is not either. yeah, yeah, i get it, quit hitting me in the face with a hammer - he is the common man, depressed by losing his job, failing family life, lack of sex, bad drugs, etc.. and any of us can snap. boy, this sure is a shitty world we live in! horray for hollywood for making our lives just a little better! remember kids: always carry around a little "D-Fens" in the form of a rubber.

what the *fuck* is going on in this movie? late night this past weekend, i was flipping through the olde channels on the box, and i make my way towards the lesser viewed scum (essentially the lower end of the cable gene pool) like BET, QVC, and a bunch of other three letter acronyms, to come across VH1, video hits numero uno baby. lowe and behold there is just some chick in a skimpy ass outfit ridin some feller, so, being the woman loving wasp that i am, i decide to park it, to see how the lovin is goin. little did i know, i would be in for some interesting filmmaking. [ahem]

you gotta love it. i have never seen the predecessor to beyond, but i think it's gonna be on the to rent list, especially if all the damn porno rooms keep disappearing in the greater lansing area at their current rate. so, back to the story - the chick tries to boff the guy on the beach, who apparently has toked up too much, so he can't get mr. winky willy up to please her, so she disses him for some other stud waling around. cut to inside the "ultra sick daddy-o beach house" where there are some drugs goin on and other miscellaneous crap. there is a fight, and this big ass, pro boxer black dude just yellin his head off... if i wanted to cast someone for road rage, fight scenes, etc... look this mother up. so he throws some people around and kicks the shit out of em... blah blah. cut to another scene, and this dude just runs over his friend and drives him around on his hood in the culvert in his neighborhood.

if you haven't been able to tell by now, i really didn't watch most of this movie, it mostly got flipped through. as soon as the cheap sex stopped, i had to keep on movin. apparently there is a racy lezbo scene in the flick, but for some reason, the execs at "video hits that will rock your ass one mean time" didn't find it to be tv friendly. go figure, what's this world coming to. but it is definetly strange movie - stranger still, roger "tubby-b" ebert wrote the damn thing. isn't that a conflict of interest? and, and I say again - and, the tubby motherf**ker has a review of it on the chicago sun-times web site. check it out yourself.

yeah, that david lynch character is pretty kooky. what the hell is exactly going on with him. i mean, jesus. make the meaning a little more difficult for the viewer to find. i guess that is the whole big joke, there is no meaning you dumbass. the meaning is, there is none.. maybe? i think lynch is really trying to make himself into a literary genius of some sort. well, it ain't quite working yet, and by the box office recipets, it looks like people are just a little more stimulated by 'Titanic' than a flick like 'Lost Highway'.

just to prep you for the experience, the idea flows like this: we witness a young man (bill pullman) and his hotty wife (patrica arquette) doing their nasty hubby n' wife thing, which of course has to come screeching to a halt in some brutal manner. so, they start getting these tapes - apparently people are videotaping them inside their house. all this leads to a pretty good amount of tension for the viewer - what kinda sick bastard would do this? then, as usual, shit happens and pullman gets tossed in the big house (leaving the hotty arquette at home - take her with you man!). {editor's note: my fiend, tom blain, tells me that some details in the past sentence are inaccurate in my portrayal, so if you care, or were unaware that i was full of shit in a fairly regular basis, now you are warned} back to the story @ hand - anyways, the ocifer one day goes in to check out how the pullman meister is doing, and guess what, he is some guy that looks a whole lot like frank whaley is in there - aka, it's no longer pullman. so the fuzz let the poor chap go - i quickly filed away to myself that metamorphosis is a quick ticket to parole.

how did pullman become pseudo-whaley overnight? who knows? allright, so we follow pseudo-whaley around for awhile, finding out he is getting chased by a woman that is none other than that damn patrica arquette woman again! man, she does nag for some shank, doesn't she? allright, that arquette chick and pseudo-whaley end up capping some one in a pretty cool scene, and the movie ends in a whole big mess.

i left out alot of film in there, which is highlighted by some pasty guy that looks much like i do after eating one too many box of sprees - all white and deflated. he pops up here and there, and somehow fits into the story, i dunno, you figure it out, i don't get paid enough to.
sadly, i really wanted to figure this moo-v out, since i like to consider myself such a high-brow mo-fo, so i can laugh at my silly friends when the mention said movie to me with a bewildered look on their face, sadly, no luck for me with Lost Highway.

Naked Lunch by David Cronenberg

allright, i have to start this out with a confession - i love robocop, i think it is a great piece of filmmaking, hell, i love pretty much everything verhoven does. i know that he makes these ultra-violent movies to like tell society how desensitized they are, and are bound to become with the way the media is, but hey, his movies are surely helping me along. next time i see a big, metallic cop blowing away someone, i will be more likely to ask for their autograph than blow my lunch on the dead guy. therefore, by my taste for robocop, i gain an immense amount of respect for the 7-time emmy winner peter weller, which drew me to the movie Naked Lunch.

what? a synopsis you say.. you say "dammit fuerst, what the hell is so strange about this movie?!?!?!?".. well, i can try, it's been awhile. like, peter weller is/was an author (based on the real-life writer of naked lunch, william s. burroughs) that was, lets say, away from reality alot. to try to be respectable, he goes out an gets a "real" job - what the hell are those - as being a exterminator. did i mention that peter weller's character takes alot of drugs? he is riding high in the rainbow of smack. allright, so being in this new profession, and being a drug addict, he convinces himself it's only fair that he try out some of the bug killer before he spreads the love to our multiple legged friends. that's when the kooky shit starts. weller's typewriter turns into dear abby and starts giving him some life advice, bugs and shit come and hang out on his couch, yelling at him, scaring him, whatever. i know a few body parts of weller start getting munched up in household appliances, etc.. what the hell is this all getting to? the closest i can come is this - the us government, after reviewing nancy reagans "drugs really, really suck kids - trust me i am older than dirt" campaign, decided to get a shake from their bed partners in hollywood to create a really bad movie about drug use. consider it working fellas! i hear that the use of rat powder has taken a huge dip since the release of Naked Lunch.